Integrating the Body in Meditation with Dawn Mauricio
Podcast Release
Embodiment is more than a practice; it is a position of mental openness to return to the sensations inside oneself, regardless of difficulty or discomfort, again and again. It is a journey toward awakening, often inspired by those who have learned to stay open-hearted even in the presence of the most pulsating pain in their own mind, heart and body.
In a recent episode of In This Body, I had the opportunity to delve into these themes with Dawn Mauricio, a distinguished Insight Meditation teacher whose integrative approach has profoundly influenced my exploration of silence and embodiment.
Dawn seamlessly blends Buddhist meditation, mindfulness, and somatic practices to create an accessible and inclusive meditation experience, particularly for BIPOC practitioners. Her philosophy views meditation not just as a technique for mindfulness but as a holistic embodied practice that integrates the physical, emotional, and spiritual aspects of self. Dawn has guided meditation practice at esteemed institutions like Spirit Rock and Insight LA.
I first encountered Dawn Mauricio at a Somatic Experiencing event in Montreal. By then, I had completed a 200-hour meditation teacher training, logged over 1000 hours of training as a yoga instructor, and actively led corporate meditation sessions at Lululemon’s headquarters in Vancouver. Despite these experiences, I had yet to immerse myself in a silent meditation retreat. My initial hesitations mirrored those of many of my clients—I viewed these retreats as possibly too rigid or dismissive of the body’s nuanced needs.
My background as a psychotherapist has heightened my awareness of the potential risks associated with intense meditative practices. Research indicates that such practices can exacerbate undiagnosed mental health issues, as they often compel participants to confront internal experiences for which they may not be prepared, particularly in the absence of adequate interpersonal support. In my practice, I observed an increase in PTSD symptoms among some clients following their engagement in silent meditation retreats. This is precisely what the research states: those with underlying trauma may be harmed through the practice of silence. This is why I never participated despite being immersed in so many of the belief systems and practices that surround silent meditation retreats.
Despite these reservations, there was something irresistibly compelling about Dawn's presence. She felt both deeply alive and kind—a combination rarely felt.
I’ve always been a human who, upon recognizing something admirable in another human, leans in rather than pulling away. With Dawn, I leaned all the way in and was inspired to explore deeper. Her example sparked a desire in me to dive into the depths of my own meditation practice, challenging my previous assumptions and concerns.
The year following my meeting with Dawn, I spent two months in silent meditation retreats within the tradition of Insight Meditation. This experience alone could fill an entire article or a solo podcast episode because the silence was far more than the mere absence of sound. The lack of stimulation acted as a mirror, reflecting the deepest layers of my psyche. The abuse. The violence. The rape. The betrayal. The heartbreak. The pain. The longing. The depletion. The exhaustion. All of it was right there for me to witness as my body revealed to my mind with each and every inhale and exhale.
Weeks into my meditation retreat, as I settled deeper into the practice, what initially felt like a period of calm and reflection unexpectedly shifted into a deep, dark trauma vortex. When my mind settled, my body mirrored to my mind all the pain my body had endured. I had to keep resettling my mind repeatedly every time a new memory emerged. It was a constant practice of settling the mind in the presence of the most unimaginable pain, again and again. After many days of that, one day while walking through the hallway after one sitting, feeling as though I was clinging to mere grains of reality, with my mind in a perpetual altered state akin to an LSD experience.
I spent minutes, hours, days, and weeks in mental pain, with my body flooding my mind with memories, scents, visions, sounds, smells, and sensations of the pain in my past.
Eventually and unexpectedly, I experienced a life-changing internal release. A visceral surge of energy manifested physically in the middle of a meditation, sitting in a dramatic, spontaneous manner, resembling an orgasm but induced solely through the psychological upheaval that was happening through the medicine of silence.
The weeks of sitting with a still mind allowed my body to reveal years of traumatic memories, and, at some point underneath all that pain, there was eternal bliss.
I was unprepared for this, and I don’t know if anyone could be. It was such a sharp juxtaposition to be in so much psychological pain and then to be so deeply liberated with the sensation of pleasure, all the while feeling so deeply rooted to my body. This moment remains etched in my memory as a profound testament to the body's ability to initiate healing from within when the mind is ready.
Leaving the safety of Spirit Rock marked the beginning of a complex reintegration phase; as the experience of silent meditation retreat was akin to my experience of psychedelic-assisted psychotherapy in many ways for me. When I left I found myself fragmented, each part of me needing gentle reassembly.. The intensive psychoanalysis that followed was crucial to firmly anchoring me back into the realities of daily life, armed with new insights from both the trauma experienced and its subsequent release. Despite leaving the retreat, I carried a whirlwind of unresolved traumatic energy.
My body's revelations during the silent retreat—unjudged and detached by my mind at the time—now required deep integration into my self-understanding.
Additionally, I had to confront how disconnected I had become from the sweetness of sensation and life itself; the moments of pleasure during the meditation retreat illuminated just how much my past experiences of pain and abuse had eliminated my capacity for bliss inside my body.
In our conversation on the podcast, we do touch briefly on the experiences I've shared here with you now. But Dawn also offers insights from her practitioner and teacher perspective, underscoring the profound impact and potential challenges of silent retreats. She highlights the need for a thoughtful, tailored approach, especially for those with trauma histories, and suggests adaptable practices for those who may find traditional methods too intense.
Reflecting on my own transformative journey and the insights Dawn provided, our discussion extends beyond the mechanics of silent retreats. It invites us to delve into the deeper layers of our personal paths toward embodiment. Dawn's experienced guidance serves as a valuable resource for anyone managing the complex interplay of body and mind through meditation. This episode promises to enrich your understanding and inspire a more mindful approach to personal growth—making it an essential listen for both new and experienced meditators alike.
For those considering a silent retreat, it is crucial to reflect deeply on your readiness and the support structures you have. Here are some questions to help guide your contemplation:
How comfortable are you with extended periods of silence?
Have you experienced extended periods of silence before, and how did you react to them?
What is your current mental and emotional state?
Are you dealing with unresolved trauma or mental health issues that might surface intensely during long periods of silence?
What are your intentions or goals for attending a silent meditation retreat?
Are you seeking spiritual growth, emotional healing, or simply a break from daily life? How do you expect a silent retreat to help you achieve these goals?
How do you usually cope with discomfort and difficult emotions?
Can you sit with discomfort and introspect, or do you find yourself needing to distract or disengage?
Do you have support systems in place for when you return?
After an intense experience like a silent retreat, you might uncover new insights or emotional states; do you have a therapist, mentor, or supportive community to help process these experiences?
Are you currently under medical or psychological treatment?
Has your therapist or doctor given their insights or recommendations about participating in such a retreat?
How do you react to new or unfamiliar environments?
Are you adaptable and open to new experiences, or do you prefer having control and predictability?
What is your previous experience with meditation or mindfulness practices?
Do you have a regular practice that could prepare you for the intensity of a silent retreat?
Can you commit to the rules and structure of a retreat?
Are you prepared to follow the strict schedule and rules that often accompany silent retreats, such as no reading, writing, eye contact, or communication of any sort?
How do you handle physical stillness for extended periods?
Are you physically comfortable sitting for long durations, and can you manage any discomfort that might arise from such stillness?
You can listen to the full conversation with Dawn here.
To find out more about Dawn:
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Through this work, we are invited to pause, listen, and honour the interconnectedness of our personal and ancestral stories.