The Hidden Impact of Co-Regulating
Have you ever noticed how some interactions leave you feeling energized while others leave you tense, drained, or even anxious? Maybe it’s the friend who always brings drama to your doorstep, the coworker who can’t stop venting, or the loved one who’s perpetually stressed. Our bodies are constantly attuning to the people around us, syncing up with their emotions in a dance that’s both intimate and invisible. This is the power—and the challenge—of being wired for connection. Through a process called co-regulation, our nervous systems instinctively mirror the emotional states of others, sharing in their calm or stress, their joy or tension. When we’re surrounded by grounded, supportive energy, this co-regulation is a gift. But when we find ourselves caught in cycles of gossip, conflict, or chronic stress, that gift can quickly turn into an unspoken burden, pulling us into a state of quiet dysregulation that can linger long after the conversation ends.
Research in interpersonal neurobiology reveals that our brains and nervous systems are wired for connection—our emotional landscapes are not separate but continuously influenced by those we interact with. While this interconnectedness can foster warmth and security, it also means that we’re vulnerable to absorbing others’ distress, tension, or negativity, often without realizing it. Over time, this can create a constant background noise of unease, a subtle but powerful form of dysregulation that keeps us feeling off-balance, anxious, or exhausted.
For women, this dynamic is especially impactful. Many of us are socialized to prioritize connection, to be the listeners, the caretakers, the “good friends” who hold space for everyone, even at the cost of our own well-being. We’re subtly taught that part of our worth lies in absorbing others’ burdens, in keeping the peace, in being endlessly available. But this unspoken expectation often leads us to co-regulate with energies that drain rather than uplift, leaving us caught in cycles of dysregulation that are easy to mistake as personal failings.
From a somatic perspective, your body knows when an interaction is out of alignment with your well-being. Pay attention to those subtle shifts—a tightening in your chest, a heaviness in your limbs, a lingering sense of unease. These are not random sensations; they are your nervous system’s way of signalling that something isn’t right. Rather than absorbing these feelings as your own, consider them as messages, invitations to set boundaries, to re-evaluate the interactions that pull you into a dysregulated state.
Healing requires us to approach co-regulation with intention. Instead of absorbing every emotional wave that comes our way, we can become more discerning, choosing interactions that support our nervous systems rather than disrupt them. This doesn’t mean cutting people off or becoming less compassionate; it means recognizing that your peace is worth protecting. It means valuing your own well-being enough to choose interactions that leave you feeling grounded and connected rather than drained.
Setting these boundaries isn’t selfish; it’s a radical act of self-respect, an acknowledgment that your nervous system deserves care and attention. So the next time you feel that familiar tension rising, ask yourself: Is this mine, or am I absorbing the stress, drama, or negativity of someone else? By choosing how you engage, you’re not only protecting your own energy, but also creating space for deeper, more fulfilling connections—relationships where co-regulation is a source of support, not a source of stress.
Journal Questions
Reflect on a recent interaction that left you feeling unsettled: Who were you with, and what was the tone or topic of the conversation? Did you notice any physical sensations, such as tension, tightness, or fatigue?
Consider the emotional tone of your relationships: Are there people in your life who frequently bring stress, gossip, or conflict into conversations? How do these interactions impact your state of mind and body?
Identify physical cues of dysregulation: What signs does your body give you when you’re feeling overwhelmed or unsettled? Pay attention to these signals as indicators of your needs.
What boundaries might support your nervous system in specific relationships? Think of practical ways to protect your energy, whether by redirecting conversations, taking space when needed, or seeking out grounding interactions.
Reflect on the kinds of interactions that leave you feeling calm and connected: Who are the people that bring you peace or inspire genuine joy? How can you prioritize these relationships?
Explore the idea of “intentional co-regulation”: How can you engage with others in a way that supports both your peace and theirs? Consider how grounding yourself first might shape your ability to connect without losing your own stability.
Choosing to co-regulate with care isn’t about withdrawing; it’s about cultivating relationships that nourish and respect the rhythm of your own nervous system.