Sitting With Shame

Sitting with shame, especially shame around sexuality, is one of the most challenging yet transformative steps we can take on a path to healing. Shame has a way of burrowing into our sense of self, telling us we’re “too much” or “not enough.” It’s a heavy, isolating feeling, one that doesn’t just linger in our minds but lives in our bodies, in the tension of our shoulders, the pit in our stomach, the weight on our chest. And when that shame is rooted in sexuality—a part of ourselves that is deeply intimate and inherently vulnerable—it can feel especially consuming.

In a society that has long sought to control and define women’s sexuality, shame becomes an all-too-familiar companion. We’re bombarded with messages about how to look, how to act, what desires are “acceptable” and which ones are “too much.” From an early age, many women internalize these conflicting messages: to be desirable, but not “too sexual”; to embrace femininity, but not “flaunt it”; to want intimacy, but not express too much want. The result is a culture of shame, where sexuality feels fraught with judgment and contradiction, leaving many of us feeling fragmented, unsure of where our own desires and boundaries truly lie.

Shame is deeply intertwined with our nervous system. According to research in interpersonal neurobiology, shame activates the same neural circuits as physical pain, creating an experience that is not just emotional but physiological. When we feel ashamed, our nervous system often responds by shutting down—our body tries to protect us by shrinking, withdrawing, even numbing. This is a survival response, a way to hide from perceived judgment or rejection. But while this response may protect us temporarily, it also leaves us cut off from ourselves, disconnected from the parts of us that feel desire, joy, and intimacy.