I remember clearly the day that I decided to leave my job because it was the day that I realized that I had forgotten how to feel pleasure of any kind in my life/body. The cost of being the "heart" of my community was that I had to give up on having any energy to meet my desires, which soon became a felt sense of not even desiring anything. At the end, it felt like the fire within me was going to be snuffed out. So I left and slept, and slept, and slept. Then cried, and cried and cried. Then one day I began craving one of my favourite cultural foods, so I ate it. Then I wanted to hear a favourite song of mine from my 20's, so I listened to it. Then I wanted to go for a walk in the sunshine, so I did. And I haven't looked back since. These days I ask & listen to what my body wants and if I'm able to I give it to her, right then, right there, no questions asked. And any weird comments or stares I receive, I just shrug it off and will sometimes say "don't knock it until you try it" always with a smile on my face.
This is a beautiful piece of writing, reminds me of John O Donohue who writes that ‘Desire is so often diminished’ - I'm fascinated by desire…so..thank you!
The erotic is not just sexual, it sounds like energy and life force sitting silently under the surface wanting to be expressed but obligated to stay silent and behave … life feels so safe and regulated ..the erotic has no place to exist except in ‘madness’
Thank you! This is a beautiful articulation of all the things I have been discovering and now also helping people to uncover.
It speaks to why I have taken issue with many of the "techniques" that are taught and create the regulation and control of the body and mind, and how that suppresses the ability to drop deeply into desire. To get swept up in the wild abandon of life and lust.
Calling it out, without naming names or making it wrong.
Thank you for the time you spent crafting this piece.
I’ve always wanted to feel safe enough to reach this, and it only did once maybe 20 years ago and the most magical experience that I’ve ever had
And that was the one off because we lived in different countries and it wasn’t going to be possible as we could not visit one another for a myriad of complexities.
And I’m wondering if that made it easier? Or safer? No confrontational feelings on the day today because we just knew we would never see each other again. Never speak again. Our body spoke that evening and to this day, my breath feels like it’s been stolen when I think about it.
That has me, wondering, will I ever feel that, safe enough, to experience that someone who is truly available, accessible?
As I look at all of my relationship experience in adulthood, they were toxic and or abusive
And so I closed myself and my vibrancy off for decades to stay safe. To not be too much, too passionate, too deeply emotional.
I knew this would also cut off my ability to feel and experience joy and pleasure yet for me, joy and pleasure is a very dangerous emotion. As I feel like I leave my body when I feel joy. And I also know joy won’t last forever. And the pleasure would leave me hungry. Unsatisfied.
I know where that fear of pleasure comes from… From the dark corners where you were given pleasure when you knew the situation was absolutely inappropriate. And that breaks you. And you block it out and you can’t mentally remember yet your body does.
And then you spend your entire adulthood attracting people who can smell that, because they know you blocked that area off to maintain what you think is safety, yet it’s not. Because every other sensation your body is giving you is blocked as well.
I’ve met someone recently who have known in a professional circle, and I find myself feeling those erotic parts awaken. I want to take the plunge, but then I overanalyze, is this a wolf in sheep clothing? Am I not paying attention to see if there are red flags or even green flags?
If my erotic part is awakening, is she true all knowing, and would give me the warning bells that I would truly need to stay safe? To recognize if it starts becoming unsafe and I need to retreat?
Or would her cries for pulling back and heed the warning to turn back fall on my deaf ears, still congested with the need to shut sensation down, overriding her warning bells, allowing me to descend into that joy and pleasure, only to find myself traumatically attached to someone that is not in my best interest?
Is that erotic feeling responding to a trauma bond? Is that erotic feeling seeking a traumatic bond so she can express herself one more time with someone is “safe” as my hypervigalent system searches for unavailable, cold, draining life flow as I was “trained” in childhood with toxic dynamics that are familiar, even though painful? The locked down part of myself that make me seek the absent parts of a person, even if rare and non existent, just to find “safety “ in my trapped voice to continue to deny my right which feels dangerous?
And then leave me, shallow in the aftermath of having to rebuild myself yet again? Hungry. Starving. In a quiet retreat with the echoes of deep grief raging within chambers once again stained with another fresh layer of trauma? Whether that layer was inflicted upon me or I inflicted again within myself?
Or am I over analyzing and once again…..missing an amazing opportunity to allow my erotic self rise above whatever ashes have been left from years of damage, every little piece that makes me up, whether they’re soft… Jagged and broken… to be held in reverence, awe, in safety, truly and deeply loved in a healthy, loving, reciprocal, consistent and prioritized relationship where they are fully present and available….where in relationship we heal, love and free ourselves together from our self imposed shackles of “safety “……finally, for once?
And where I too am present in her wisdom and safety within ?
"Sometimes it feels like trembling in the arms of someone safe for the first time." When I first met my husband after a few months chatting online 🥰 he is the safest person in my life.
This is deeply thought provoking and stirs something deep in me. I love your sentence "The uncomfortable truth is that much of what gets called healing is simply a more socially acceptable form of self-containment." That and so many others are so powerful.
Thank you! Aliveness - permission to be in my body and to not live in the constraint of just consent to others - but consent to myself to be in my desires - now that I have done all the grieving work for years
I remember clearly the day that I decided to leave my job because it was the day that I realized that I had forgotten how to feel pleasure of any kind in my life/body. The cost of being the "heart" of my community was that I had to give up on having any energy to meet my desires, which soon became a felt sense of not even desiring anything. At the end, it felt like the fire within me was going to be snuffed out. So I left and slept, and slept, and slept. Then cried, and cried and cried. Then one day I began craving one of my favourite cultural foods, so I ate it. Then I wanted to hear a favourite song of mine from my 20's, so I listened to it. Then I wanted to go for a walk in the sunshine, so I did. And I haven't looked back since. These days I ask & listen to what my body wants and if I'm able to I give it to her, right then, right there, no questions asked. And any weird comments or stares I receive, I just shrug it off and will sometimes say "don't knock it until you try it" always with a smile on my face.
This is a beautiful piece of writing, reminds me of John O Donohue who writes that ‘Desire is so often diminished’ - I'm fascinated by desire…so..thank you!
So much powerful food for thought here Ailey.
“the erotic isn’t missing it’s waiting.” 🔥 great line. Love your work!
Enjoyed this a lot. What are the best ways you recommend to awaken your erotic energy? Your life force?
The erotic is not just sexual, it sounds like energy and life force sitting silently under the surface wanting to be expressed but obligated to stay silent and behave … life feels so safe and regulated ..the erotic has no place to exist except in ‘madness’
Hear hear, f*k that noise. Control… is the mind killer. The systems killer. Not fear. Not wonder… control.
Thank you! This is a beautiful articulation of all the things I have been discovering and now also helping people to uncover.
It speaks to why I have taken issue with many of the "techniques" that are taught and create the regulation and control of the body and mind, and how that suppresses the ability to drop deeply into desire. To get swept up in the wild abandon of life and lust.
Calling it out, without naming names or making it wrong.
Thank you for the time you spent crafting this piece.
Wow. My mind is absolutely blown. This resonates.
I’ve always wanted to feel safe enough to reach this, and it only did once maybe 20 years ago and the most magical experience that I’ve ever had
And that was the one off because we lived in different countries and it wasn’t going to be possible as we could not visit one another for a myriad of complexities.
And I’m wondering if that made it easier? Or safer? No confrontational feelings on the day today because we just knew we would never see each other again. Never speak again. Our body spoke that evening and to this day, my breath feels like it’s been stolen when I think about it.
That has me, wondering, will I ever feel that, safe enough, to experience that someone who is truly available, accessible?
As I look at all of my relationship experience in adulthood, they were toxic and or abusive
And so I closed myself and my vibrancy off for decades to stay safe. To not be too much, too passionate, too deeply emotional.
I knew this would also cut off my ability to feel and experience joy and pleasure yet for me, joy and pleasure is a very dangerous emotion. As I feel like I leave my body when I feel joy. And I also know joy won’t last forever. And the pleasure would leave me hungry. Unsatisfied.
I know where that fear of pleasure comes from… From the dark corners where you were given pleasure when you knew the situation was absolutely inappropriate. And that breaks you. And you block it out and you can’t mentally remember yet your body does.
And then you spend your entire adulthood attracting people who can smell that, because they know you blocked that area off to maintain what you think is safety, yet it’s not. Because every other sensation your body is giving you is blocked as well.
I’ve met someone recently who have known in a professional circle, and I find myself feeling those erotic parts awaken. I want to take the plunge, but then I overanalyze, is this a wolf in sheep clothing? Am I not paying attention to see if there are red flags or even green flags?
If my erotic part is awakening, is she true all knowing, and would give me the warning bells that I would truly need to stay safe? To recognize if it starts becoming unsafe and I need to retreat?
Or would her cries for pulling back and heed the warning to turn back fall on my deaf ears, still congested with the need to shut sensation down, overriding her warning bells, allowing me to descend into that joy and pleasure, only to find myself traumatically attached to someone that is not in my best interest?
Is that erotic feeling responding to a trauma bond? Is that erotic feeling seeking a traumatic bond so she can express herself one more time with someone is “safe” as my hypervigalent system searches for unavailable, cold, draining life flow as I was “trained” in childhood with toxic dynamics that are familiar, even though painful? The locked down part of myself that make me seek the absent parts of a person, even if rare and non existent, just to find “safety “ in my trapped voice to continue to deny my right which feels dangerous?
And then leave me, shallow in the aftermath of having to rebuild myself yet again? Hungry. Starving. In a quiet retreat with the echoes of deep grief raging within chambers once again stained with another fresh layer of trauma? Whether that layer was inflicted upon me or I inflicted again within myself?
Or am I over analyzing and once again…..missing an amazing opportunity to allow my erotic self rise above whatever ashes have been left from years of damage, every little piece that makes me up, whether they’re soft… Jagged and broken… to be held in reverence, awe, in safety, truly and deeply loved in a healthy, loving, reciprocal, consistent and prioritized relationship where they are fully present and available….where in relationship we heal, love and free ourselves together from our self imposed shackles of “safety “……finally, for once?
And where I too am present in her wisdom and safety within ?
"Sometimes it feels like trembling in the arms of someone safe for the first time." When I first met my husband after a few months chatting online 🥰 he is the safest person in my life.
“…and something ignited in my soul, fever or unremembered wings.”
Pablo Neruda
Thank you. I am shook.
These words are precious. I feel them. Thank you
Thank you for always speaking to my heart xx every time xx
This is deeply thought provoking and stirs something deep in me. I love your sentence "The uncomfortable truth is that much of what gets called healing is simply a more socially acceptable form of self-containment." That and so many others are so powerful.
Thank you! Aliveness - permission to be in my body and to not live in the constraint of just consent to others - but consent to myself to be in my desires - now that I have done all the grieving work for years