Thank you for this. This is so true! Regulation as self-abandonment is so real. I especially love the reframe: calm is not the goal, connection is.
As someone with PTSD and lived experience of paralysis (Guillain Barre), I know how often the body gets framed as a problem to fix. Sometimes the most regulated thing I can do is not be calm, but to feel something fully, I write all about how I just want to be whole.
1. When I hear “regulated,” what do I think it should look like?
I used to think regulation meant no “negative" emotions. If I couldn’t perform that, I felt like I wasn't healing. But the truth is, sometimes regulation looks like rage, sorrow and despair.
2. What parts of me have been asked to stay quiet to be considered “well”? Who benefits from that quiet?
The parts that are tired, angry, sad... The parts that say “I can’t do this today.” That quiet serves the status quo. It benefits the world that tells sick or disabled people to be inspiring, not weak. It’s the same world where “good vibes only” becomes a weapon.
3. What signals has my body sent me lately that I tried to override in the name of calm? What did they want me to know?
Dissociation mostly. I used to override all of it with more effort, more willpower. Willpower is overrated! They were my body’s way of saying: “We’re hurt. We need care, not control.”
4. What would change if I believed that trembling, tightness, tears are intelligence?
I’d stop judging my body’s signals as failure. I’d stop gaslighting my symptoms. I’d remember that pain isn’t weakness. It’s release.
5. If I trusted that my body already knew what it needed, what might I allow myself to stop managing?
The need to be palatable, composed, regulated. I’d stop suppressing my emotions for other people’s comfort. I’d stop calling my trauma response a lack of will. And I’d let healing be loud, slow, and nonlinear.
So important to know that regulation is not just another way to suppress! Thank you for articulating this so clearly. Healing is messy and if we feel calm is the only way to be, then we are adding self harm to the list of hurts ❤️🩹
Great writing! I am going to dance therapy to try to get my body to recall How to relax and dare feel What it feels. No amount of just talking would Heal this. It get’s stored in the body.
Last session we talked about those countraproductive sayings like ” you only get what you can handle” ”What doesn’t kill you make you stronger” - No! Sometimes things are just unfair and shouldn’t have happened to anyone. If some strength have comes it May be just surviving or something I ( or you reading) choose to transform through really hard work. I feel the guilt of having a covert narc as a father for my kids is one of the toughest things to carry, yes I left and yes my daughter now lives 100% with me but I can Never erase what happened.
Absolutely beautiful. Powerful to read. Nervous system regulation— the capacity to feel without leaving. The inner scaffolding that holds us up while we feel through the intensity of our human experience.
We internalise the message that our nervous system must never inconvenience others...wow! I learned this at such a young age. I remember my Mum feeling overwhelmed when I was growing up and being told she 'suffered with her nerves'. I felt for years that this meant she was somehow weak, when I now understand she was just struggling to raise 4 young children on not a lot of money whilst doing her best. We absorb distorted messages and they become our beliefs until we know better. Such an important article, thank you 🙏 Karen
This was incredibly articulated, and such an empowering read. Regulation is about listening to our bodies, and giving them whatever they need in that moment, not forcing it to stay calm consistently. Thank you for writing and sharing this.
Thank you. This is so important and wonderfully articulated.
Thank you for being here!
Excellent. Thank you for this 💚
Thank you!!
I just read this. Thought you may find it interesting too. I hope you don’t mind me sharing it with you 🙂
https://open.substack.com/pub/killthesilence/p/if-were-so-informed-why-do-we-still?r=2o64pg&utm_medium=ios
Such a brilliant piece of writing ☺️ Have a wonderful day 💜
Thank you for this. This is so true! Regulation as self-abandonment is so real. I especially love the reframe: calm is not the goal, connection is.
As someone with PTSD and lived experience of paralysis (Guillain Barre), I know how often the body gets framed as a problem to fix. Sometimes the most regulated thing I can do is not be calm, but to feel something fully, I write all about how I just want to be whole.
1. When I hear “regulated,” what do I think it should look like?
I used to think regulation meant no “negative" emotions. If I couldn’t perform that, I felt like I wasn't healing. But the truth is, sometimes regulation looks like rage, sorrow and despair.
2. What parts of me have been asked to stay quiet to be considered “well”? Who benefits from that quiet?
The parts that are tired, angry, sad... The parts that say “I can’t do this today.” That quiet serves the status quo. It benefits the world that tells sick or disabled people to be inspiring, not weak. It’s the same world where “good vibes only” becomes a weapon.
3. What signals has my body sent me lately that I tried to override in the name of calm? What did they want me to know?
Dissociation mostly. I used to override all of it with more effort, more willpower. Willpower is overrated! They were my body’s way of saying: “We’re hurt. We need care, not control.”
4. What would change if I believed that trembling, tightness, tears are intelligence?
I’d stop judging my body’s signals as failure. I’d stop gaslighting my symptoms. I’d remember that pain isn’t weakness. It’s release.
5. If I trusted that my body already knew what it needed, what might I allow myself to stop managing?
The need to be palatable, composed, regulated. I’d stop suppressing my emotions for other people’s comfort. I’d stop calling my trauma response a lack of will. And I’d let healing be loud, slow, and nonlinear.
wonderfully eloquent - thank you for sharing x
Beautifully written. Gratefully received.
So important to know that regulation is not just another way to suppress! Thank you for articulating this so clearly. Healing is messy and if we feel calm is the only way to be, then we are adding self harm to the list of hurts ❤️🩹
Thank you so much for this words, thoughts and embodied truths. Thank you for your guidance and empowerment.
My body resonates very much with being trusted. :)
so well written. thank you for this 🙏🏽
Great writing! I am going to dance therapy to try to get my body to recall How to relax and dare feel What it feels. No amount of just talking would Heal this. It get’s stored in the body.
Last session we talked about those countraproductive sayings like ” you only get what you can handle” ”What doesn’t kill you make you stronger” - No! Sometimes things are just unfair and shouldn’t have happened to anyone. If some strength have comes it May be just surviving or something I ( or you reading) choose to transform through really hard work. I feel the guilt of having a covert narc as a father for my kids is one of the toughest things to carry, yes I left and yes my daughter now lives 100% with me but I can Never erase what happened.
“What looks like disregulation may actually be truth” ~ thank you.
Absolutely beautiful. Powerful to read. Nervous system regulation— the capacity to feel without leaving. The inner scaffolding that holds us up while we feel through the intensity of our human experience.
We internalise the message that our nervous system must never inconvenience others...wow! I learned this at such a young age. I remember my Mum feeling overwhelmed when I was growing up and being told she 'suffered with her nerves'. I felt for years that this meant she was somehow weak, when I now understand she was just struggling to raise 4 young children on not a lot of money whilst doing her best. We absorb distorted messages and they become our beliefs until we know better. Such an important article, thank you 🙏 Karen
Thankyou, what a wonderful thing to read when I've just woken up 💜 As someone who is healing from chronic illness, this feels so important.
Thanks so much for this!
This is so helpful. Thank you.
This was incredibly articulated, and such an empowering read. Regulation is about listening to our bodies, and giving them whatever they need in that moment, not forcing it to stay calm consistently. Thank you for writing and sharing this.
Word!