Years ago I read about how many big corporations were bringing in mindfulness teachers to help their people deal with stress, and it was largely to lay the responsibility for that stress on the individuals’ shoulders rather than take responsibility for being the cause of it. Since then I’ve seen it again and again - big systems (and nefarious players within those systems) co-opt the language and practices to make it seem like they care for the individual, but it’s mostly for the purpose of manipulating people into compliance. I think it happened with a portion of the wellness community during the pandemic too - they were manipulated into aligning their “holistic” health views with the antivax/conspirituality movement, for a particular political purpose. When wellness isn’t grounded in systems thinking and wise lineage, it can be easily co-opted by harmful systems.
I've never encountered the trend you just mentioned in the world of NS regulation. I've never heard anyone who practices it say that you shouldn't have boundaries nor that you shouldn't feel pain. What you're saying sounds more like spiritual bypass rather than anything related to NS regulation.
i have to say that i haven't either BUT i've found myself trying to use it that way (or expecting it to work that way) so this article was much needed message to me.
I didn’t want this visual, emotional and deep writing to stop. My body sighed with feeling understood. Finally letting the rage deep within it for holding back, being. I have been regulating myself into silence through my clothes, my expression(my art practice) and my cooperation (a good family member, Healer/Trauma coach and Artist).
My body wants to be Kali and Medusa simultaneously because it feels this wellness industry that I have been part of for 30 years feels suffocating because it tells us to find calm and rest but my soul cries for the fire, the change, and the disruption,n but I feel paralysed into competency and good behaviour.
No wonder the divine feminine weeps, we were never meant to be in cooperation to soothe an agenda; we were just meant to live in the sometimes messiness of existence. Thank you for speaking the language of my Soul.
What an important message as somatics goes mainstream. It’s been a challenge to articulate this point in spaces where the orientation toward “fixing” ourselves runs deep and goes unquestioned. Appreciate the way you share it.
I needed to hear this today. I have been just sitting there feeling it all. It has helped but your post made me realise I need to wake up/shake it off? It’s also hard to distinguish when I’m in the think of it. However, lately it feels like punishment/self harm to just feel it all. Thank you for your shared wisdom/knowledge/care.
As a toddler parent I appreciate this perspective so much. I somehow came under the mistaken notion in the last couple years (born of many late-night insta scrolls) that in order to parent well i must always be regulated, so i can be her steady rock in her moments of meltdown, be her co-regulator. But I have a history of CPTSD and we are also living through a late capitalist global death wish so I’m not sure it’s advisable, never mind even remotely possible, to aim for total unflappable calm. I AM INDEED VERY FLAPPED MOST DAYS. and I wonder if showing my child this side of me, how I react as a full-blooded human, will do more for our relationship and subsequently her ability to process and respond to grief, disappointment, fear, anxiety etc. all of which are valid and very much needed and frequent human emotions.
I am hesitant to tell anyone how to parent, but I read this and I understand. I have two older children, but when they were toddlers we went through very traumatic experiences as a family. I spent a long time trying to be their "rock" and it didn't work. I had the fortune to turn to wise women friends and ask them what I should do. Overwhelmingly most said that your kids just need you to be you, they need to see what to do with the emotional and spiritual things you experience. They need to be shown how to come back to equilibrium, but within the context of family and community, not alone. We are all always doing this together. I don't mean codependent behavior, I mean support. Children want to be helpers, to themselves and the people they love. When I grieve, I talk to my kids about what that feels like and what makes me feel better. Same for anger, frustration and rage, we meet each other where we are. This is different from being unregulated. You can experience the full range of your human experience while also keeping yourself and your kids safe. I hope this helps.
yes! i think its super important that we can show our kids thats its ok to freak out but also to come back, apologize and explain and understant because it is scary to child when their parent freaks out - we are dealing with the fall out of that in our family.
this is a fantastic article thank you! i have found myself lately trying to use somatics to like make me a perfect person - i think that's the danger, we forget that's not what it was ever about!
Well said Ailey. I often say that a regulated nervous system is not one that always rests in calm. It is one that is matched to the demands of the current situation, that moves fluidly and flexibly between its different branches, which each serve an important and protective function, and can rest back into calm in the quiet moments in between. It's about the nervous system being attuned to the demands of the present, rather than operating based on past events and conditioning. I love how you have articulated this.
This is a timely reminder (to me) that just because I sometimes feel dysregulated, it doesn't mean I'm not present. If anything, I find I can be more present with everything I feel and I don't need to push anything away. Thank you 😊 🙏 Karen
Capitalism co-opts everything in service of propping up dysfunctional and harmful institutions that further enrich the already rich and powerful. Even healing.
A regulated nervous system does not erase injustice. It does not soften misogyny, neutralize racism, or quiet the devastation of climate collapse. What it offers is presence — not as permission to accept what harms us, but as clarity fierce and grounded enough to know when the moment calls not for calm, but for refusal.”
For years, I was taught to regulate my intuitive response to compulsive heterosexuality. Several years outside that cage, I am still pulling away the sticky threads of damage. Somatic practices both freed me from misogyny and held me within it. Practitioners were undeniably complicit. It’s healing to read this. Thank you.
Yes! I’m thinking about this. One thing I was told was to practice yoga to get in my body bc I was detached and that’s why I was having trouble being aroused by a man. That if I could be centered and grounded, I would be able to access arousal.
Another is that in moments of intimacy, I should breathe through the panic/discomfort or pain rather than disengaging. Essentially, I was told not to listen to my intuition screaming that I needed to get away because hetero intimacy was WRONG.
It was when I tried coupling with a woman that I realized I had no need to “regulate” because nothing felt wrong about it before, during or after. 15 years of doctor visits and therapy trying to “fix” what was wrong with me all so I could perform for my husband. SMH. 🤦🏽♀️
Yes, absolutely. We were not made to tolerate intolerable situations. We don't need a nervous system band aid so we can go back in to be wounded all over again.
Years ago I read about how many big corporations were bringing in mindfulness teachers to help their people deal with stress, and it was largely to lay the responsibility for that stress on the individuals’ shoulders rather than take responsibility for being the cause of it. Since then I’ve seen it again and again - big systems (and nefarious players within those systems) co-opt the language and practices to make it seem like they care for the individual, but it’s mostly for the purpose of manipulating people into compliance. I think it happened with a portion of the wellness community during the pandemic too - they were manipulated into aligning their “holistic” health views with the antivax/conspirituality movement, for a particular political purpose. When wellness isn’t grounded in systems thinking and wise lineage, it can be easily co-opted by harmful systems.
YES YES YES
I've never encountered the trend you just mentioned in the world of NS regulation. I've never heard anyone who practices it say that you shouldn't have boundaries nor that you shouldn't feel pain. What you're saying sounds more like spiritual bypass rather than anything related to NS regulation.
That’s so amazing that you haven’t! 💛
i have to say that i haven't either BUT i've found myself trying to use it that way (or expecting it to work that way) so this article was much needed message to me.
I didn’t want this visual, emotional and deep writing to stop. My body sighed with feeling understood. Finally letting the rage deep within it for holding back, being. I have been regulating myself into silence through my clothes, my expression(my art practice) and my cooperation (a good family member, Healer/Trauma coach and Artist).
My body wants to be Kali and Medusa simultaneously because it feels this wellness industry that I have been part of for 30 years feels suffocating because it tells us to find calm and rest but my soul cries for the fire, the change, and the disruption,n but I feel paralysed into competency and good behaviour.
No wonder the divine feminine weeps, we were never meant to be in cooperation to soothe an agenda; we were just meant to live in the sometimes messiness of existence. Thank you for speaking the language of my Soul.
What an important message as somatics goes mainstream. It’s been a challenge to articulate this point in spaces where the orientation toward “fixing” ourselves runs deep and goes unquestioned. Appreciate the way you share it.
Thank you so much! Appreciate you being here x
I needed to hear this today. I have been just sitting there feeling it all. It has helped but your post made me realise I need to wake up/shake it off? It’s also hard to distinguish when I’m in the think of it. However, lately it feels like punishment/self harm to just feel it all. Thank you for your shared wisdom/knowledge/care.
It is my absolute honour. I’m so glad that I was able to support the wake u/shake off. What a privilege. x
Well this makes so much sense🤍 thank you for sharing this perspective and truth
My honour
Ailey this is SO SO good!
Awe thank you!! I am very much enjoying all my time to write this week. Hopefully see you soon x
So well written. Thank you for this!
As a toddler parent I appreciate this perspective so much. I somehow came under the mistaken notion in the last couple years (born of many late-night insta scrolls) that in order to parent well i must always be regulated, so i can be her steady rock in her moments of meltdown, be her co-regulator. But I have a history of CPTSD and we are also living through a late capitalist global death wish so I’m not sure it’s advisable, never mind even remotely possible, to aim for total unflappable calm. I AM INDEED VERY FLAPPED MOST DAYS. and I wonder if showing my child this side of me, how I react as a full-blooded human, will do more for our relationship and subsequently her ability to process and respond to grief, disappointment, fear, anxiety etc. all of which are valid and very much needed and frequent human emotions.
I am hesitant to tell anyone how to parent, but I read this and I understand. I have two older children, but when they were toddlers we went through very traumatic experiences as a family. I spent a long time trying to be their "rock" and it didn't work. I had the fortune to turn to wise women friends and ask them what I should do. Overwhelmingly most said that your kids just need you to be you, they need to see what to do with the emotional and spiritual things you experience. They need to be shown how to come back to equilibrium, but within the context of family and community, not alone. We are all always doing this together. I don't mean codependent behavior, I mean support. Children want to be helpers, to themselves and the people they love. When I grieve, I talk to my kids about what that feels like and what makes me feel better. Same for anger, frustration and rage, we meet each other where we are. This is different from being unregulated. You can experience the full range of your human experience while also keeping yourself and your kids safe. I hope this helps.
yes! i think its super important that we can show our kids thats its ok to freak out but also to come back, apologize and explain and understant because it is scary to child when their parent freaks out - we are dealing with the fall out of that in our family.
this is a fantastic article thank you! i have found myself lately trying to use somatics to like make me a perfect person - i think that's the danger, we forget that's not what it was ever about!
Well said Ailey. I often say that a regulated nervous system is not one that always rests in calm. It is one that is matched to the demands of the current situation, that moves fluidly and flexibly between its different branches, which each serve an important and protective function, and can rest back into calm in the quiet moments in between. It's about the nervous system being attuned to the demands of the present, rather than operating based on past events and conditioning. I love how you have articulated this.
This is a timely reminder (to me) that just because I sometimes feel dysregulated, it doesn't mean I'm not present. If anything, I find I can be more present with everything I feel and I don't need to push anything away. Thank you 😊 🙏 Karen
Capitalism co-opts everything in service of propping up dysfunctional and harmful institutions that further enrich the already rich and powerful. Even healing.
A regulated nervous system does not erase injustice. It does not soften misogyny, neutralize racism, or quiet the devastation of climate collapse. What it offers is presence — not as permission to accept what harms us, but as clarity fierce and grounded enough to know when the moment calls not for calm, but for refusal.”
For years, I was taught to regulate my intuitive response to compulsive heterosexuality. Several years outside that cage, I am still pulling away the sticky threads of damage. Somatic practices both freed me from misogyny and held me within it. Practitioners were undeniably complicit. It’s healing to read this. Thank you.
Shawna, could you speak more clearly as to how you were taught to regulate your intuitive response to compulsive heterosexuality?
I learn better by real life example. 💗🙏🏻
Yes! I’m thinking about this. One thing I was told was to practice yoga to get in my body bc I was detached and that’s why I was having trouble being aroused by a man. That if I could be centered and grounded, I would be able to access arousal.
Another is that in moments of intimacy, I should breathe through the panic/discomfort or pain rather than disengaging. Essentially, I was told not to listen to my intuition screaming that I needed to get away because hetero intimacy was WRONG.
It was when I tried coupling with a woman that I realized I had no need to “regulate” because nothing felt wrong about it before, during or after. 15 years of doctor visits and therapy trying to “fix” what was wrong with me all so I could perform for my husband. SMH. 🤦🏽♀️
Yes, absolutely. We were not made to tolerate intolerable situations. We don't need a nervous system band aid so we can go back in to be wounded all over again.
The well-regulated nervous system is one where you can hear both yes AND no!
Well-articulated and needed correction to the idea that being calm all the time is ideal.
No, it’s bypass!